As I Lay Me Down To Weep

By Jan M. Smith

As I lay me down to weep
I pray my husband will not lie to me
Sometimes I hope I die before I wake
Because from me my soul did he take

In the sea of life where colors change
Often blue or green, sometimes strange
I have ridden a boat that had no oar
But had a gaping hole in it’s floor

What is rushing forth to drown me are lies
So many that I cannot tell when I look into his eyes
If he really loves me or is just abiding his time
For 37 years without telling me, it was a crime.

A crime of carelessness with my heart
To satisfy his reputation he thought he was smart
To be with our children but still keep her alive
Inside him active but hidden from my eyes

To be left aside for a woman with no mores
To be tossed and not cared for, to be lied to for a whore
To eat with her, sleep with her and miss love nigh these years
But to not know why is the source of my tears

I had asked him so very many times
Am I the punishment or am I the prize
As I fought so hard to keep my marriage alive
But only to find out I was a fool and blind

I was not the punishment or the prize
He had his choices, he ignored mine
He remained hers in his heart for years
And he was never affected by my tears

So I was the punished and always felt
Like I was the other woman in this hand I was dealt
Like I stole my husband from this woman who was skilled
At cutting up familys never caring who she killed

Why I paid such a high price was because I was blind
To what was happening to my life as I saw this unwind
No matter what I wore, weighed or however I was resigned
Nothing in him ever changed or to me was inclined


And now I seek help to stop the thudding of this pain
That only leaves me for a minute and then remains
To eat my insides and carve out a hole
That leave me so empty and without a soul

Could I ever be different after all this in my life
Would I even care to, who would want me for a wife
Another man who could lie to me, or would I think that he did
Who would pay for things done to me by him.