Wednesday, January 9, 2013


Today she went somewhere with her mom.  Her mom needed a perm.  And, so she took her to get one.

It was a pleasure to watch her mom talk and laugh and talk and laugh and talk and laugh.  As only her mom could do.  The people who worked at this small salon were faces that loomed in her past and her mind.  One person took the time to come and talk to her.  And soon it was known that she was somehow known to her.  A connection to her life from many years ago.  And a love gone and lost.

And so she lay in her bed and she smells him and she sees his brown skin and she remembers him again.  And she remembers the tragedy of him.  And she has to deal with the reality of what his family must feel about her.  They all have avoided her this past holiday.  All these years have passed.

When he left them all with a quick shot to his heart, cruelly, with no answers, and left in his wake more pain than any one of them could bear, she fed inside herself.  She lost his family.  They could not be around her.  She had hurt him.  She broke up with him, and he despaired, but she had told him she was sorry, she put it all in a letter and gave it to him that very night.  They went out and he put it in his sock.  He yet had it there when he pulled the trigger and left them all.  And, the letter was given to them, so they knew that she had hurt him, and he was not on stable ground, so in their hearts, they must have hated her somehow, but they would not tell her.  She had begged them, but no one would say.  Not at the time, no one would talk.  But she eventually asked.  No one would tell.

Then today, she ran into this person from the past who said, "She told me that the girlfriend broke up with him and he killed himself".  It was like falling down a shit hole.  It was like being shot with a poison dart.  It was like eating a rancid piece of meat.  There it was.

No one would ever tell her what he said that night.  He kept coming back to get her and she could not go out.

For anyone who cared, she loved him.  She was young.  She was stupid and she has paid ten million times ten million.  And if she could have gone with him, she would have preferred it to her life.

So, she was finally told.  Someone told her, even though no one would til now.  She knows.