Monday, December 3, 2012


Like assholes everyone has opinions and advice, right?  And there are those with those "Bless God" views of what life is or those who have the arrogance of youth, and as such have no idea what life is really about or will bring yet.  Like that female at the pub last night, at the end of the evening.

Now I am at the time in my life, the age, where young bitch women do not usually get to me. But, this one was bout to get schooled. No, I do
not mean in the ass whipping sort of way, but in the "I am going to cut you to ribbons with my brain and tongue" way. She was doing the "I am younger than you and therefore must be superior in some way" drunk thing and I was catching what she was throwing. She did not want me to step up to the plate. It was to be a blood bath.

For a lot of years now I have allowed the young bitch women to do this and rolled my eyes and looked away or ignored them. They have in return disrespected me and I am done with it. So now I will lean in and ask them if they want to say something or whatever suits my fancy. They will not do this to me. Nope. I can brain them to death. They are not secure enough to keep the face up. They will collapse. Another issue for another time.

But as to advice, when you see someone in pain, you want to help. Or you think you know exactly what you would do, right? So, you either offer advice to help, you think, or you say, well, I would do this and that, and in so doing put them down if they are not doing what you would do. You, who have no fucking idea what you would do cause you ain't never been there. And, even if you have been sort of there, you ain't been in that person's shoes. Best you can offer is an ear unless they ask for your advice.

I was in a group therapy once where there were a ton of ppl. So happened that this was day one in that group and I was the last person who would intro myself and my situation. It was a broad concept, lot's of people in the group with lot's of different reasons to be there, from drug use to divorce.

The first lady, who looked to be in her late 20's, introduced herself and with a great deal of passion and fanfare, told her story. She said "I was in an abusive relationship. My husband would not let me do anything. He controlled me all the time, told me when I could go shopping and everything. So, I kicked him out and the first thing I did was get my power back. I painted the bathroom and it felt so good." Well, everyone just clapped and were so excited. The room roared. Jeez.

By the time they got to me, 30 people later, no story had the impact of mine. I felt like I would be upstaging everyone. Almost like I would have sat there and made shit up. How would I say, "My name is blah and I have been married for 37 years. I have been beaten and abused, found out recently that my spouse has been having an affair with a friend for 13 years, three times a week, in a car and that some other of our friends allowed them to come to their house, and that three of my other friends have had affairs with him before that and that he also had sex with ppl at his job and my job and this happened over 30 years and I did not know and he took them on trips and got cabins and hotel rooms and I have a brain tumor and ms and lost both breasts to cancer and on and on and on and my fiancee killed himself right before I married this man and I am insane in the membrane I said. "Uh, I Uh, am here because I have marital problems that I will talk about but there is so much, I don't want to take all the time right now."

So, the smart ass leader says "Well, lookie here what we have. On the one hand, we have miss whoever over here who had a marital problem and she took charge and painted her bathroom and then we have miss thing over here who is not doing anything about her marriage. Just came here to whine and not participate." Well, I then did the chicken head finger wave and said "NO NO NO NO, we ain't playing that, if you are going to compare, then you are going to hear the whole shitting ass thing..." And he said, "Oh no, you had your chance, you did not want to say, you are not going to say." And I said to him "Well, fuck you I am out of here good luck to you all with this bunch of horse shit. If I can't tell, you can't use me as a point of comparison." And, I walked out.

See, I came there broken and run over and fucked over by everyone in my life and I was damned if a stranger who knew nothing about me and was supposed to be dedicated to helping me was going to make me feel like I was less than. He was not going to do that to me. So I gathered my power and left. I did not paint a damn bathroom but I changed my environment quite well in two seconds, thank you. And, left the entire situation that was abusing me.

You have to decide for yourself what brings you to a place and how to resolve it.

The ensuing minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years since the horrific confessions of my husband which killed me inch by inch took a toll. The balm of healing has been slow coming and in it's own way. I have had every kind of thing said to me from "leave, how can you stay" to "get over it, or go" to "you have to forgive to heal." It has been everything. Most of the advice, if not all, has been wrong.

Here is what I know.

You do NOT have to forgive anyone. You just have to accept. But, I needed to forgive him for him to heal. And, if I wanted to live with him, and if I loved him, I needed to see him heal for me to heal. For a long time I could have given two shits if he healed or not. Fuck him. He did this to him, to us, to me, to our children, to my sister, to my mom, to everyone. HE did it, he should die miserable. If I got so sick I was in diapers, let him wipe my ass. He had every chance in the world. He was loved, cherished by me and his family. He was forgiven time and again, and he was kicked out three times, he had no reason to stay. He was not trapped, I did not need him. He actually always needed me. There was a lot about him I was to learn and a lot about himself he was to learn. Also, if I had of known he was living a double life when I was younger or when I kicked him out years ago, he would not have had another chance.

My past had a lot to do with him being here and nothing to do with him being forgiven. My commitment to marriage and my loving him were part of it, yes. Yes, I loved him and yes I did believe in marriage and my vows. But, when I was 17, I was engaged and I broke that engagement. My fiancee, a handsome, precious, young man who had the whole world at his finger tips was already in a deep depression from other things in his life and he shot himself. If only those of us around him had seen the signs, had been more informed as we are today, perhaps we could have helped him. While I had told him the day he did this that I wanted to marry him, and that I was sorry, he had already made up his mind. When my husband cried and begged, I could not end the marriage. I had this experience in my life. I would never have been able to end a marriage or thing like other people because of my past, I had this past in my life. I did not realize the depth of pain and fear that had been instilled in me. So, I was too afraid to risk this. Did my husband realize this on some level? maybe. How horrible.

I have always looked for the good in ppl and found it hard to understand ppl who look for the bad. Why. I always used the adage, "Swallow the meat and spit out the bone." Just make sure there was enough meat in that person to make it worth your while and I always found enough. I tried to understand ppl and why they misbehaved or acted certain ways. I was a magnet for the walking wounded. God I carried these woe begotten horror stories on my back all my life. Ppl would say to me, "You know, I have known so and so all my life and they are a user" or "I know that she was abused as a child, but her step dad was still having sex with her when she was an adult, don't you find that odd?" and I would take up for them and offer excuses. I would study the things that happened to these ppl, find the reasons they acted the way they did and cradle them in my arms, both physically and emotionally. Why? Did I feel my own ego by so doing? Did it make me feel superior and did it also allow me to not deal with my own problems? Maybe, and it was the anti of my mother. While she is the great conspiracy hunter, I am the buster of them. I hate that about her so I don't think that there are any. It is sad, it set me up for my life.

You have heard if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. That is right. I had no friends. I had ppl who liked to use me and to raise a glass with me, but they did not care if I was on fire. They did not care if I lived or died. They could have seen me died and clucked and moved on. These same ppl will not be allowed at my funeral. Too harsh? I don't care. They knew. They came to me with blood and flesh in their teeth. Mine. And did not care. They knew and looked the other way. So, keep on looking. Most of my spouses coworkers at his career and their spouses, bye. I want nothing to do with them alive or dead. My prerogative. My children have a list.

I am going to tell you about the users, and the preppers. The back breakers, the back stabbing bitches. I have names for them all, I will share them. I will give you my examples and if you have them in your life, give them the damn boot. Get rid of them or get them at arms length. If they have to be in your life, are coworkers, etc,, understand what they are capable of. One of mine sent out signals for years. One was such a great liar, she is a psychopathic sociopath. In it to win it. Loves herself and no one else. One referred to herself as a "Stepford Wife" because her husband gave her everything. I house in a gated community, the best cars and I am sure furniture and clothing, jewelry. She came from poverty. She craved these things, they were how she valued herself. But, she belittled him in front of us when all this came out. I could not believe she did that. I knew this trifling bitch. She should have been kicked to the low rent subdivision that minute. She has had comeuppance. She lost all that. She is paying and she still does not get it. She lies to this day. But not to me. Until she stops all that, until she really has remorse, she cannot face me properly or God. She is pathetic. I have known her for years. She paid for the hotel room. She is a coward. I will tell you what she did to me, how she worked me.

So that is all for now. I am excited for this. I look forward to hearing your stories as well. What was done to you? This forum is needed. I wish that it had been here for me. My eyesight is failing me so I have to beg for your patience in my typing.