They Knew, Not You

Now at this time, now when the final act is at hand, I have only destruction and pain to look back on and I cannot live my life over again.  I want to vomit at how my life was wasted, how my love and time was spent so wrong.  Not just with him but with all those around me.  They were users and just along for the good parts of the song.  But I was there for a soft place for them to fall, I cared if they hurt or if they cried.  I went to them in the night and I held them and I spent my time and my tears in their fights. 

I have loved and have hurt and now I see how it really was.  It was me in a fog, with a smile or a sharp tongue, but all the while I was behind them, and would never turn them away, regardless of whether it left me undone.  Yes, the women and the men, and the friends and the small.  The fat and the friendly and the mean, yes, them all.  They came in the fog, they came in the night.  They came from his truck and they smiled, now how I fight.  I fight to remember all those around me all the time.  Those who were laughing and jiving and telling me with their actions it was fine.  We were buddies, campers, dancers, we rhymed.  We were soldeirs, cancers, bangers and blind.  I was the blind, they were in the light.  They crept behind me, they lived in the night.  I ate their bullshit, I swallowed their bile.  I combed their hair and they sharpened their teeth on me laughing all the while.

I should have seen them, I should have known. I should have smelled them, they were wrong.  They hated me, they had to to have done this thing to our souls.  Mine is scorched and it is burned and I have to deserve this horrible end of my life.  I have to deserve this, I must have been a bad friend, a most mean person, no one would stab you in the back and cause this much hurt.

I am amazed at lives lived wide open, still moving forward while I am choking on dirt.  I am grasping the air with a dead hand, while inside the pain is too much to defend.  I put too much into my friends, these people who brought me so much woe.  When I said to them "I love you, I will help you" or "come with me, share my life" it was to be so.  But now, I am alone, they are gone and what they were doing is beyond what I could know.  Their eyes were hooded, their mouths were blackened, their hands were dirty and they would never show.  I was so stupid, a dumby, an idiot so gross.  No one could have deserved this more than me.  No one, more, I have to know. 

Of course I was told this so very long ago.  "No one is your friend, they use you, you are a fool, don't you know?".  I thought it was a mean thing, I did not realize she was a gypsy with vision and future sight and that was how my life would grow,  I heard that again from my own blood and much worse things, who would say that to someone who would but that it was so? 

Oh Jannie, oh Jannie, how does your garden grow?  With your hearts blood, you are so stupid.  You are useless and worthless, they saw you coming, now you finally know.

Waves

By Jan Smith

Softly they caress me and lull me along
Heaving me upwards and forwards
As I reach out to my lover, grasping
With need for a future so strong.

Then I crash ever headlong
Flailing and drowning going down
Take this cup from me please God
My soul screams out as I drown, drown.

My heart misses beats, it feels wrong
Breath does not come out right
I am flung onto quick sand,
Sucking my soul out of my life.

Torn

January 11, 2011

As you recover and learn why you lived that life
As you discover what love really is
I have the heartache to fear you never loved me
And I am ripped, frayed and I cry.

It helps to know you never loved the hollow times
That you were lost in a fog following rumors of whores
But I was a real person, your wife, the mother of life
And my heart is bleeding and torn all to hell.

I find solid ground knowing I could do nothing to stop you
You were looking for a porno-like slut or whore
I could never have filled that need inside you
You were listening to other men to find your score.

But I am broken because it seems I was not considered
It makes me hurt in my stomach, my heart, my core
You spit in my face and told me you loved her
While you held me down on our kitchen floor

And now you are "learning" what love is about
While I have loved you all of my life
I feel so empty, so tired and stupid
And so weary, in my back I feel a knife.

Why did you let her come to those ballgames?
Why did you allow her to hurt me time and again?
Why didn't you tell her to not come where I was?
Why weren't you more of a man?

Did it make you feel special because she pursued you?
A woman who was so immoral and barren she had no soul
How could you feel good allowing this person to hurt me?
How and why, tell me, because I want to know?

This up and this down, it kills me
If I have cancer again, I will not survive
You cannot give me back my peace of mind
You cannot now keep me alive.

You could have told her to go away when you were with her
You could have set some boundaries and saved me that pain
Instead of lying and saying you were not seeing her
And if not then, you saw her over and over again

And to her, you were just a spare tire
She called on you when she was bored or alone
And you went and betrayed me and your ownself
Until her nail polish dried and she was ready to move on

And all the others were visits to sex land
To try to find solace or relief or a salve for your mind
That only made you worse and sent you further
And made you cocky, stupid and blind.

You had to get caught to stop what you were doing
And you did not love that ugly dog, that car whore
You never missed her one second when you walked away
She was just easy to control, as ugly girls usually are