Tuesday, June 24, 2014


Excuse me!  Excuse me!  Is that your mind on the ground?  Excuse me?  Why, yes, and thank you.  I blew it out in a storm.  In 2008.  I am putting it back together and you see, it takes time and patience.  And I have to find all the pieces.  Not an easy chore.

You see, it flew the hell all over the place.  My whole life passed before my eyes carrying it out, and this hole came into the middle of my forehead and my fucking mind blew out and flew out of my head.  Part of my frontal lobe with it.  Just flew the fuck out of my head.  I have been looking all over.

Excuse me, have you seen my mind?  It is raw, and ragged and may still be bleeding.  It will not hurt you.  It has suffered a lot, it has to be spent and tired.  It has to be.  OH, it was angry as hell.  It was pissed off when it blew out....ka POW.  Flying through the air at the speed of sound.  THEY told me that it would be all good.  Just be patient, you kidding me here?  You ever tried to act normal without a mind?  Brains are like the intelligent part and your mind is the reasoning part and child, I lost that.  Gone.

Yes, I did say that, are you deaf?  I did say inappropriate things to my grand daughter.  I did ask her to "Pop That Couchie". Well, my God she was 14, for God's sake.  What?  That was not cool?  Well, I cannot say, I blew my mind out in the fucking storm.... which one?  The great storm of 2008.  May 10, you know.  What?  well, God almighty, how did you miss it.  Where you been.  Under a log?

So, yeah, well, I did tell the butcher, baker and candle stick maker every lurid detail of the storm.  Well, they asked me.  Shitfire.  If they did not want to know...what is that you said?  It was just a southern pleasantry?  "How Ya'll Doin Today?"  well, if you don't want to know do not ask.  But is that why they looked like they needed a drink of water 45 minutes later?  I cry.

And, I cry and I cry, and I CRY.  No, hell no, you don't see me cry.  YES, I left him at Krispy Kreme, he pissed me off.  Oh, walking home was good for him.  So what it was five miles.  He needed the exercise.  And his clothes needed airing out on the back patio.  Did them good.  Fuck it.  Neighbors?  Surely they did not hear me, wailing and screaming at full bore all night, for three years, in the house, outside the house, well, yes, he did hurt his knee slipping on the dewy grass running from me, bad enough to need surgery, but why did he run?  he should have just let me beat his ass, that is what he should have done.  He deserved every single punch.

I blew my mind out in a storm, the great storm of 2008.  Well, she put her finger in my face, yes she did.  I had had it.  Enough.  I slapped her, and well, we went down.  Yes, I was going for blood.  Her husband is big isn't he?  I busted his nose, though.  I had to.  He was going to throw me on the sidewalk.  So what?  Just my son in law...... Is that part of my mind there, under that yellow leaf, peeking at us... there, by your shoe.

Of course I called them all, every one of those whores. EVERY SINGLE ONE.  They deserved it.  Especially Patti.  She killed my soul.  On purpose, with malice and intent.  I grieved, and grieved,, but I blew my mind out and now?  I hate her.  Loathe her.

There is NO way out, this is NO way to kill someone, to sling shit on them, hose off and then think that the smell will not always be in their nose.  You cannot do it.  I work hard every day, and the puzzle pieces of my mind are sought and being found, but they have changed and do not fit like they did.  They are hurt, raw, jagged, different.  He changed me.  Forever.  He hurt me.  Forever and ever.  He hurt us.

No, I do not do those things any longer.  It kills you in another way.  Rage, anger. Eats your insides.  But initially it protects you.  The scalding pain of betrayal is more overwhelming than being skinned alive and dipped in alcohol.  I have never in my life felt anything like that pain, ever.  Thirty years of betrayal in at that time a 37 year marriage.  And my friends, my God.

I had no one.  Not one person who took me in their arms and rocked me like a child.  No one that cared.  Shania Twain did not get out of bed for a year.  One friend betrayed her and she stayed in bed for a year.  What would she do with my storm?  With a brain tumor, MS, breast cancer, etc.?

I blew my mind out in the storm.  I cry.