Now at this time, now when the final act is at hand, I have only destruction and pain to look back on and I cannot live my life over again. I want to vomit at how my life was wasted, how my love and time was spent so wrong. Not just with him but with all those around me. They were users and just along for the good parts of the song. But I was there for a soft place for them to fall, I cared if they hurt or if they cried. I went to them in the night and I held them and I spent my time and my tears in their fights.
I have loved and have hurt and now I see how it really was. It was me in a fog, with a smile or a sharp tongue, but all the while I was behind them, and would never turn them away, regardless of whether it left me undone. Yes, the women and the men, and the friends and the small. The fat and the friendly and the mean, yes, them all. They came in the fog, they came in the night. They came from his truck and they smiled, now how I fight. I fight to remember all those around me all the time. Those who were laughing and jiving and telling me with their actions it was fine. We were buddies, campers, dancers, we rhymed. We were soldeirs, cancers, bangers and blind. I was the blind, they were in the light. They crept behind me, they lived in the night. I ate their bullshit, I swallowed their bile. I combed their hair and they sharpened their teeth on me laughing all the while.
I should have seen them, I should have known. I should have smelled them, they were wrong. They hated me, they had to to have done this thing to our souls. Mine is scorched and it is burned and I have to deserve this horrible end of my life. I have to deserve this, I must have been a bad friend, a most mean person, no one would stab you in the back and cause this much hurt.
I am amazed at lives lived wide open, still moving forward while I am choking on dirt. I am grasping the air with a dead hand, while inside the pain is too much to defend. I put too much into my friends, these people who brought me so much woe. When I said to them "I love you, I will help you" or "come with me, share my life" it was to be so. But now, I am alone, they are gone and what they were doing is beyond what I could know. Their eyes were hooded, their mouths were blackened, their hands were dirty and they would never show. I was so stupid, a dumby, an idiot so gross. No one could have deserved this more than me. No one, more, I have to know.
Of course I was told this so very long ago. "No one is your friend, they use you, you are a fool, don't you know?". I thought it was a mean thing, I did not realize she was a gypsy with vision and future sight and that was how my life would grow, I heard that again from my own blood and much worse things, who would say that to someone who would but that it was so?
Oh Jannie, oh Jannie, how does your garden grow? With your hearts blood, you are so stupid. You are useless and worthless, they saw you coming, now you finally know.