Friday, June 8, 2012

Love In Green Eyes

This post was written as a tribute to a wonderful young man who died way too young.  I loved him, and I hurt him.  I found great joy with him too.  For all these many years I have not been able to grieve his loss for many reasons, but I am trying to do this now.  Some of what I have written is challenging and it may seem inappropriate as I am married and my life is full and complete.  But had Wayne lived, my life would have turned out differently.  When someone takes their life, you are left with many emotions:  heartache, anger, grief and depression.  I had to pack these away in my heart, put a padlock on them and carry them around for 43 years.  Last year, 2012, I finally took the chains off and lay them out to heal.  And, also, I want him to be remembered.  He was a force to be reckoned with in that he was one of the kindest, most sincere and loving people that I ever have known in my life and I will forever miss and grieve him.  8/19/2013

How do I ever tell you how much I miss you.  How can I ever let you know what you meant to me.  I loved your green eyes.  You were my first lover, you were my friend.  You had a heart bigger than the world, you loved everyone, and everyone loved you.  I could hold you forever, I could whisper to you forever, because you would listen.  I loved your brown skin.  I loved how you smelled of soap and cologne everyday.  I loved how you always ironed your shirts.  I loved how you always looked like you stepped out of GQ.  It mattered to you.  I loved that you would work two jobs.  I loved that you were determined to get an education.  I loved that you loved me so much.  I loved that you told me time and again that you would never cheat on me.  I love that you called me "Jen" instead of "Jan".  I love that everyone said "stay with him, he is a good one, he is a keeper."  They were right.  I love that you bought me anything I wanted, and I did not want anything but you.  I loved your car, you kept it clean.  I love that you cared so much about your sisters lives.  You did.  I loved you.  I loved you.  You did not know that for sure, did you?  I am so sorry.  So sorry.  I hope that you forgive me.  Please know that I would give all that I have ever owned to touch your face one more time.  To smell your clean skin.  To hear you say "Jen".  I would give my everything to just see those green eyes.  Your beautiful face, your beautiful body.  I loved you.  I loved you.  I miss  you forever.  Wayne.  I find no comfort at your grave,  I stand there and remember that 19 year old man.  You were too old for your youth.  You were carrying too much.  Why didn't we see it.  Why didn't I see it.  Your precious heart did not even bleed.  I wanted my letter back, they would not give it to me.  I wanted you back, no one could give it to me.  I wish that I had come out to see you all those times you were coming by, over and over and over that night.  I wish that I had just come outside to see.  Maybe you would not have done it.  I will never know why you did that, why you stopped your magnificent heart from beating.  That heart that carried me in it, that took me to that grave with you, that left that forever question mark for me to carry, that now, at 60 years of age, still is in my heart, my brain.  That colored my entire life.  That I will never be free of.  I hear your voice still.  They say you forget what that sounds like, what the feel, smell, love, all of that is like.  No No No, not me.  I remember you completely.  All of you.  All of you.  I remember you.  I do.  Wayne.  I hear your sweet voice.  I see your sleeping face.  You, sleeping on my mother's couch, head in my lap.  You, sleeping in the car at the drive in.  Laying on my shoulder.  Oh, my God.  Why did I not know that you slept too much.  I would give anything to save you, to help you.  My love.  My first lover, my soul.  We all grieved, all of my family, and we were never the same.  Not my mother, father, sister nor my aunts or uncles.  They all loved you.  Did you not know?  We did not let you know.  I am so sorry.  I would have carried you on my back.  I loved you.  I loved you.  You were a precious human being.  I never met anyone who came up to your standard.  I have been betrayed, beaten down, destroyed and I know that never in ten million years would you have hurt me nor would you have allowed anyone to hurt me.  I see you sitting in your car watching.  Every night.  I want those two weeks back.  I want them the fuck back.  I want you the fuck back.  And, when I cross over I want you to come and get me.  I want to be on your arm, like I should have been when we would have gotten married the next summer.  I want you to come and get me.  I want you to take me over there.  I will never, ever let you go, do you understand me?  If you hear me, see me now.  If your spirit is here with me ever, Wayne, I love you.   I have been betrayed, beaten down and hurt beyond measure.  But you would never have done that to me.  I wish we could have had a life.  You come and get me.  You work that out with God, ok?  You two get that worked out now.  I am glad that I did not die yet.  I am waiting for you to come and get me.