PTSD

Today we saw a show about this malady and the person afflicted had been shot in the face 21 years ago at the age of 17 as she worked a register at a grocery store.  Her face was destroyed, her chin down.  And she has horrific nightmares to this day of the girl, who was 14 when she shot her, coming into the grocer, pushing the gun into her face, demanding the money and then blowing the bottom part of her face off.  The perpetrator went to prison for 6 years, or some other ridiculously short time, and has been out forever, but the victim, while she has gone on to have a family with the young man who was her coworker in the grocer and her boyfriend, is serving a life sentence with a horrible appearance, being stared at and dealing with the trauma.

So, they met and the shooter was a bitch and then not and they hugged and so on.  But, they went over PTSD and again, I was reminded what happens when you suffer with this. 

You do not have to be shot in the face.  You can be shot in the soul too.  I was.

I am coming up on the fifth anniversary of the confession.  The one that tore my heart and soul out and changed my life forever.  The confession of 30 long years of adultery by my spouse with mostly my friends, that a lot of my other friends and associates knew about.  It is so horrible, and with every name that came from his mouth and with every answer to every question that I asked for the next two years, I was killed inch by inch.  I still die a little every day.

When I was told all of this, I was sick.  I could not leave nor make him.  And, he has changed completely.  He is not that man, but my lost life that I lived, all my memories that are lies, those are my ptsd.  I threw every picture away that I owned.  I destroyed all the gifts and cards I had been given.  I lay awake at night remembering all the times shared with the women, sitting by my hospital bed, or hearing me sob when I did know of a cheat.  And, they were screwing him as well. 

PTSD comes in other ways.  I can not go to certain places, and when I have to go by others, I cannot breathe.  I will never really recover. 

Yes, the fifth anniversary is looming.  May 10.  I hate that day.  I was so innocent on May 9, 2008.