Thursday, September 27, 2012


They call it many things, this feeling.  It can start in my arms, or it can start in my stomach.  Sometimes it feels like a tuning fork.  Sometimes it feels like a nest of bees under my skin.

Sometimes it is in my thighs, and calves.  It is usually in my arms, both of them.  It is in my hands.  It is in my face sometimes.  The weirdest places are in my body, in my torso.

When it is a reverberation of my heartbeat, that is weird weird.  I then am not sure if I am having problems with my heartbeat again or not.  I do not like that.

If you have ever smoked pot you may have had a similar feeling, it is like rushes.  Where you get feelings on the top of your skin, and it is running along the sensory nerve endings.  That is how it is, but all the time.  When it is really bad, it translates to the inside of my mouth and I have a hard time talking.  It will go down my throat.  I usually say that I feel like I am going to have a seizure and my tongue go down my throat.  That is what I mean.

Stress makes it worse.

The buzz.


One day, long ago, a boy, shy and scared, walked in his world.  And in his world, it was gray.  The light would not penetrate the fog, through the trees.  In his forest, he lived a solitary life, hidden from the world.  He could not let them see, not let them in.  He had hooded eyes, a hooded soul.  It was easier this way.

This boy struggled toward the thing that made him whole and in this found if he struck the earth with his fist or his foot, he felt whole.  This boy threw his arms into the air and by so doing covered his real face from the world, and the world said, "What a fine boy this shall be, he walks with greatness when he strikes the earth." So he learned to strike it more.

This boy became very good at striking the earth and they came to marvel at his prowess.  He was not the best but he was very good.  His hooded eyes betrayed his insides.  He was seen for his beauty.  He seemed what he was not.  He seemed as if solid and pure and to be trusted.  But he felt unsteady.  He knew that underneath the hood lay much melted ice.  He knew that he was unformed and he did not trust his ability to run and leap, and to strike the earth.  His beloved held his hand, and stood with him.  But, surely he had to find new stones.  He had to continue to strike new places.

As was with the boy, so did the man begin to show only the hood to the world, and to his beloved.  He then would thump and strike when no one was looking.  And he grew another face.  He had to put this one in a jar when he wanted to seem ok, in the light, not living in the gray.  He knew in his heart, he was living always in the gray.  No one else knew.  He found the underlings who would live in the gray with him, as he struck the ground in a bad way and fed this grayness anew.

Many years did pass and one day this boy who had grown to a man arose from his bed of briars.  He arose from this nest of fools that he had created and he ripped open his chest and found a rotting thing there.  He raised his fist to the heavens and said "No More."  But many moons has come to be.

In his thoughtless journey through life he had lived a life that left many bodies along the way.  You cannot wear two faces without committing great harm, you must be true to one only.  You have to have a heart that is only to one, your beloved.  You must cleave to home.  He learns too late that he has lived the life of a fool.  That the boy who lived in gray had a choice as a man to live in the light, and now he wants the light.  But, what shall he do with this second face?

He wants to bathe in the waters of forgiveness and new life.  He desires to look upward and move forward to the place that he should always have been.  But what of the bodies?  How can he clean up where he has struck the earth?  His beloved stands before him, sobbing, with a torn heart.  She stands before him, with a broken back, bleeding and bent.  On her pillow, are tears of blood.  She never knew.

Once there was a boy, shy and scared who became a man, insincere and selfish.  He killed those who loved him most and now he wants it all.  How will this end.

In My Dreams

I walk up and down the halls of my dreams and I cannot find you
I open all the doors and it seems I need to remind you
I loved you and gave you my heart and my life for today and tomorrow
But you left me and now
I walk up and down the halls of my dreams but I can't find you

I can still see you there with the sun behind you
Smiling and laughing and loving me
I held your hand and smelled your brown skin
In my young young life
And the future had texture to hold onto
The future was bright and had promise

But then you left me in mid-air
You left me suspended there
A sentence unfinished, you were suddenly not there
All I knew went away, it left in one day
It left for no reason, with a shot in the heart
Leaving me with nothing to hold onto
My body was shattered, no longer whole
You were the center of my life and you gave meaning to my soul.

You left me that day, and I pushed all the pain away
I wanted you to stay, I had so much more to say
Then my world tilted to the left and I entered the darkest night
Nothing would ever be right as for my sanity I did fight
I am running in my dreams and in my dream I scream
Watching you walk up the steps as slowly you turned around
Then you are gone, it all was wrong, and I bent backward

I walk up and down the halls of my dreams
I gasp for air, or a handle, someone who would care
Any part of reality to get me over there
To the place where is makes sense, this life of mine
It has been fraught with heartache and too much pain
So little gain, you were to be my groom and then gone too soon.
But you left, you just checked out, there was no more sound
And now I seek you in my dreams.  Alone.