Tuesday, February 9, 2010


By Jan M. Smith January, 2010

If my heart were made of glass
It would have shattered
And could have never been fixed.

If my heart were made of ice
It would be so frozen
One would never be able to get inside.

If my heart were planted with flowers
The weeds would have taken over
From the years of pain and neglect.

All I ever wanted in this life with you
Was to love you and find happiness
All I ever looked forward to was for you to return.

I had waited all the many years for that look
For that touch that meant you did finally see me
To take my breath away again, I needed it so much.

And now when you have that look and love for me, you do
You bring promises to me on a bloody pillow of torn dreams
And it is hard to lay my head and find rest with you there.

I have told you that your face is mine and mine only
No one should have seen your face in the throes of love save me
I am broken and wasted and fall backward screaming inside, cut

You were it for me. Just you. You were it for me. You.
Your smell, Your Taste, Your Eyes, You in the night.
And now I am lost in the visions of being nothing special at all.

When one says the words "I Do" they lay in the bed God gave
They learn of love, grow together, learn the touch that is just theirs
No other knows it but you two and it changes as you age and grow together

I am the only one who grew in that way, and grew only to you
Now I feel grown to them, to the others as well, as you bring them to me
You grew with others, their touch, their way, not just with me.

I have to take this out of my head in order to have my love with you now
You took what was sanctified and made it unclean and it has to be made whole again
They were not clean they were lost souls, slaves to the flesh, just like you.

I am so damn broken.

Friday, February 5, 2010

The Wonder

By Jan

I wonder if she has stepped on the bus
And her look was just a sly eye to the side
And, I wonder if his chemical being gave him a shot
And, of a sudden she was planted in his mind

Then the next time that she got onto his bus
Because these people they ride time and again
And, gave that sly eye and knowing smile was he ready
And, gave it back to her with his blue eyed grin.

And thus has a dance with this person been started
And, he is finding relief from a pent up pressure inside
And he is telling himself this is ok, I am doing nothing wrong
But in fact this is the beginning of his deadly demise.

Does he think of her as her boarding time nears
Or does he think of her and pleasure himself when I am not around
And, with this fantasy is he not realizing that he is planning
To make a second move on her with hope and fear

His illness is about being secret and taking risks
And the sex is about hiding his pain and anxiety away
And this person is a pawn in this game that is deadly
She is the same as he is and she is ready to play.

So, these are the thoughts that I deal with each day
He thinks of himself as different, stronger, not like them
Won't go to the 12 step meetings
And, so I wait for the wonder to begin.

The Choke

By Jan

I feel that old familiar feeling, it is coming again, I hear that smell in my brain when he said "think of all  7" and I knew there were only 6.  When I saw that movie, the one he never saw and when he lied to me that he never saw it and found no pleasure the step was taken backward, and then there were 7, I heard it and my brain smelled it.

There was a time when he would have gotten angry just as he did, screaming at me over nothing, losing control and spewing forth a rant, even saying then perhaps I needed to think on how to do this different, inferring we should be apart, but when I said pack and go then, he could turn it on me as the bad guy.  He is still the master, in his mind.  I am now his better.  I see him clearly.

Changes are coming and the truth is going to be told over the next months and this man of mine will lose himself, and he knows this.  This man of mine has many, many times told the truth accidentially and then said he never said what he said or that I am making it into something it was not.  Oh, there were times when he could do that, oh yes he could and confuse me.  But no more.  I HEAR EVERY WORD HE SAYS.  The problem is that he does not hear them.  He says them unconciously, without meaning to.  His cover up attempts are pathetic.  They make me ache and hurt.

Now, my issue is do I wait this out, stand by him and find all this out, and decide?  But what else can I do now.  I have to know, though, that I may not be here in the end.  I have to be prepared that we may not survive this, as I am sure he knows this himself.  He is upset as I have never seen him.  Yes, he did stop his antidepressant, and yes that is contributing to his condition, but it is more than that.  There will be a lie detector before this is all said and done.  He will have to do this.  I will never rebuild my trust without it.  I was glad when my new doctor said they have them there and that it is necessary for some to have it done to restore trust.  It will be for me.  I will never get there any other way.  But, first, there must be him getting inside this new program and then we will work towards that.

But, for now, I feel the choke.  And, I want to cry until it kills me.  He is in relapse.  He is apt to do anything.  Yes, he is.  And, I cannot stop him.  But, it will absolutely kill me.