Thursday, November 26, 2009

If Only

By Jan M. Smith 2009

The season of love has passed my door
The hour of sunshine is fading fast
The year of passion lingers unrequited
And the memory of a lover leaves a tear

How high are those mountains that we build in our lives
To climb and cross over to our success
That once we get there we are grasping for the next ring of silver
But our mirrors do not lie and it is over at last

If we could walk through those same meadows filled with sunlight still
And linger with the film fallen from our eyes
And if life’s worries and stresses could be put to the side
Would we hold each other tight, only to each other abide?

Or would we, as did Adam and Eve, find a way to destroy our lives
Take what could be perfect, what should be ideal
And twist it until we no longer saw ourselves in the play
But two strangers lost in pain leaving innocent children to pay.

I have loved you more than I could ever have hoped to love
I have given you all that was within me to give
I surely could have expressed it better and made you feel good
But in my heart there was no more room for you to live

The great white sadness that comes over me and threatens my air
Is the deep despair at what could have been for our old time in our life
We will grow old together and hold hands as we die
But so much was lost, such precious devotion given, unrequited

You were the love of my life, you hear those words
But you were the love of my life, my life
This is the only life that I get, my just one
And I gave it to you, just to you. Why not just me?

Hold Me While I Cry

By Jan M. Smith
My marriage is over
Hold me while I cry
The man I loved never existed
Hold me while my heart dies

The crushing pain in my chest
The holding of my breath
The tears that never end
And anger for a life that could have been

So much information that it leaves me blind
How could he have been so careless, so unkind
To have forgotten his children, forgotten me
For sex with people with no future he could see.

So for my virtue I have won a prize
For my trust and my belief and his great disguise
I will hurt forever and never understand
The evil in the heart of this one man

Who held me and cried when our children were born
Who said he would never, ever leave my life again torn
That professed to me his undying love
Who could have left this home anytime, anytime.

He was never forced to be here, in fact it was I
Who did not want this marriage of doubt , it was he
Who insisted that we marry and raise our child to give him a chance
To do the right thing and I embraced this dance.

But then he used this life to weave a story of strife
To justify his sin and make it seem right
To screw my friends under my nose and smile in my face
All the while knowing he had become a total disgrace.

So, in my older time after 37 years
I am going to pay a deep price for marrying this master of tears
This man who only thought of himself
Gratified his ego and pounded his chest

This man who robbed me and took my life
And sliced it open with his jagged knife
So that the pain would hurt like a burning wheel
In the middle of my heart that will never heal

A master of deception a man who I gave my life
A person with a beauty who took me as his wife
Then cut me to pieces and fed my life to wolves
A little at a time as he licked the knife.

I thought he loved one and my heart was so broken
Had I known there were six I could not have spoken
Or could have breathed or lived or looked in his eyes
That he used to capture others as he did me that first night.

A Hero

By Jan M. Smith 2008
(written 6 mos after a confession but before reconciliation and knowledge of my husband’s sexual addiction, for which he is in therapy)

I wish that I could make him a hero
A man who could make this thing right
Who could save my heart and pull me
From the pain that threatens to destroy my life

Not a hero in tights that flies in the air
Nor one who can bend steel with his hands
Not a hero that can send beams of fire
To annihilate his enemies as they stand

No, a hero who would take me in his arms
And tell me he always loved only me
A hero who would say sex with me was magic
Was breathtaking, second to none, it was complete

When I express my fears of his leaving
When I am sure he has made contact with her
He would make sure I understand it would never happen
How could anyone replace me now that he was clear?

I wish I could make him a hero
Instead of a deaf mute
Who sits and listens when I share my pain
That I am not good enough, I am sure he will go again.

That he would stop me in mid sentence
And tell me again, no matter how many times
That not one of those people were worth it or good enough
That I was always the jewel in his crown.

Not only just stop me in mid sentence
But turn me and look in my eyes
And say this to me with conviction
And love and compassion and pride.

Instead, he just says nothing
When I say something that implies I am not as good
Instead he just pats my hand
Like a puppy or as a good friend would

As I think about this past year
And all the pain and sorrow we have had
It occurs to me that it may have been much less
If a hero had come forth, a Sir Galahad

I think the hero that may have been spent too much time
Trying to make himself look better and hide
To try to focus on what he did to his bride
He forgot what his words did to me, only what they did to him

He internalized his pain at his sin and told parts
He made the other party look bad so he did not
He left me bleeding at each corner as he wiped off his leg
He forgot to be a hero and say the right things

And as time has passed so has his guilt
It is way too easy to see
He is now regaining his sense of self
And that is why he gets so mad when I am not me

That is why he fights back and calls me names
He is ready now to take up the fight
He is feeling that he has paid his dues
And I know that it is only a matter of time

Because he could never be a hero
He could never lie when it was needed by my soul
He only lied when he wanted to deceive me
So that he could keep a woman on the side, on the dole

Or he could lie when he wanted to make it look better for him
This double life that he lived
He was content to make his lovers look worse
So that he somehow could look whiter with less sin.

How can I heal if I stay in the marriage?
I am sick enough to need him to affirm
That they now no longer matter
That I am more than them, they were just germs

That they were just a sickness, to make him feel hot
Hollow humans with no morals or souls
They were diversions so he did not have to look at himself
But on my heart they took such a toll

But he wants to believe they were important
That they weren’t just carnal shit
He wants to not see himself as an asshole
So he doesn’t save me, he saves himself

It leaves me comparing myself, I feel less
I cannot get my feet on solid ground.
He is my only true lover, I know no other
I cannot compare and say what I am

I could go out and share myself with another
Any sorry man would say I am the best
I hold men in such contempt for their egos
And also the women who hurt their sisters, the tramps

But here I am at the last leg of my life
With so much information that I never knew
And I feel so inept and so useless
And afraid, I really do not know what to do

My body is a patchwork, a quilt of where breasts used to be
My body cannot compare to the others
Who were a decade younger than me
I feel done in, alone still, and angry inside

So, I wish I could make him a hero
I have tried to tell him how
I have told him to not just listen when I talk
But to correct me and uplift me, not take me down

To not do that he is confirming all that I am saying
He is saying that the others were better in bed
I am no comparison to them when I take him in my mouth
I am no comparison to another who he has had

And as I watch myself slowly going away
As I watch myself leaving each day
And my heart is broken and my mind bends back
Inside I am screaming stay, stay.

I needed a hero, you needed to tell me
I have told you this time and again
Others have told you as well, you knew what to do
Then you make my fears valid with your sin

As you are becoming bigger
I feel I am becoming small
And fear we will cease to be
And then need no hero at all

The difference now is we are older
The difference now is that I am not well
But even with that ahead I can leave you
I can run away, I can leave and not tell

I can still find myself a new life
One where games aren’t to be played
I can live alone until I am ok
And I can wait for the future day

Right now you are bigger than life for me
Right now you consume my air
Right now you have broken my heart
Right now full of woes and cares

But, I think that I can do it alone
And I think that if you want to be free
Keep avoiding being a hero
And find out if you really want me

Because sometimes you have to be your own hero
And I am afraid I may have to be one for me
I may have to save myself from you
Because I need to not need you, you see

I hope when you read this you get what I say
I hope that you understand what my tears leave out
What the anger and the rage do not get over to you
What is causing my withdrawal today

I cannot go inside to live, inside myself again
I did that for years to avoid making a scene
Being afraid to lose you was all a joke and in vain
I never had you, I was wrong, but not again

If “easy” is what you want
That woman who will change to suit your needs
You had better get to moving and looking elsewhere
Because that woman, she is not me.

If that is what you want in your soul.
I am not that person and can never be
I am sick of it, fearing it and trying to ignore it
So if the hero needs to go, go on and find “she”

I fear you are a shallow man and your needs follow suit
You cannot help it, it is who you are and I never knew
I need more than that and I am lonely and blue
And darling most of all, I am through

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


By Jan Martin Smith

You used to bring me a flower, only for a minute. You used to find the best one, only for a minute. Now it is past the hour. You draw me pictures no more with six birds, with fingers that could bring me pleasure or pain, only for a minute. What used to be amore~ is now my armor as I stand in a battlefield flowing with blood tears, lain bare with pain, me stepping over all my bleeding bodies, so many of me deeply scored, destroyed, mouth gaped open, throat gagging, screams caught in my soul, skin afire, fight raging inside turning me inside out killing my heart; my tears do not cleanse me, only bring more uncertainty, more pain.

I have spent my entire life, loving a man-child, a man-monster, a man-liar, who was ever grasping for others, more, while having me chained to his wall. I have spent my life believing a vow-lie, a coward, a heart that was not true, while being chained inside my own mind. I am addicted.

I used to turn flips in his bed, for more than a minute. I used to be the best one, for more than a minute. But now the hour is past, and all the grimaces of pleasure that hit my stomach and breast cancer body pierce my soul, for the rest of my life. My armor is thick and cold and can never be taken down and my heart's blood fills my armor, I choke on my pain, I scream, I claw at you, as my skin melts. The fight is raging inside me, I am turned inside out, I cannot hear my heart, my eyes are full of anger and rage and unforgiveness and pain.

I have spent my entire life, loving a man-child, a man-monster, a man-liar, who was ever grasping for others, more, while having me chained to his wall. I have spent my life believing a vow-lie, a coward, a heart that was not true, while chained inside my own mind. I have been addicted

I used to hear your heartbeat and not want to cut it from your body, for a minute, I used to love your blue eyes; they had power, but no more. Your smell and body no longer draw me and make me tremble keeping me chained to your wall, your tongue is contaminated, you used it many hours. All those countless howls you took under your body while I cried in my soul, chained to your wall, now I have the key. Your cloudy eyes, your heartbeat far away, my armor that contains my anger so that you may live another day and that I may one day heal and see colors again.

I did spend my whole life loving a man-child, a man-monster, the best liar, who never had enough, and kept me chained to his wall, and I believed, believed a vow, it was a lie, he was a coward with no heart, who kept me chained inside my own mind. I was addicted. It was dark as night.

I was


As I Lay Me Down To Weep

By Jan M. Smith

As I lay me down to weep
I pray my husband will not lie to me
Sometimes I hope I die before I wake
Because from me my soul did he take

In the sea of life where colors change
Often blue or green, sometimes strange
I have ridden a boat that had no oar
But had a gaping hole in it’s floor

What is rushing forth to drown me are lies
So many that I cannot tell when I look into his eyes
If he really loves me or is just abiding his time
For 37 years without telling me, it was a crime.

A crime of carelessness with my heart
To satisfy his reputation he thought he was smart
To be with our children but still keep her alive
Inside him active but hidden from my eyes

To be left aside for a woman with no mores
To be tossed and not cared for, to be lied to for a whore
To eat with her, sleep with her and miss love nigh these years
But to not know why is the source of my tears

I had asked him so very many times
Am I the punishment or am I the prize
As I fought so hard to keep my marriage alive
But only to find out I was a fool and blind

I was not the punishment or the prize
He had his choices, he ignored mine
He remained hers in his heart for years
And he was never affected by my tears

So I was the punished and always felt
Like I was the other woman in this hand I was dealt
Like I stole my husband from this woman who was skilled
At cutting up familys never caring who she killed

Why I paid such a high price was because I was blind
To what was happening to my life as I saw this unwind
No matter what I wore, weighed or however I was resigned
Nothing in him ever changed or to me was inclined

And now I seek help to stop the thudding of this pain
That only leaves me for a minute and then remains
To eat my insides and carve out a hole
That leave me so empty and without a soul

Could I ever be different after all this in my life
Would I even care to, who would want me for a wife
Another man who could lie to me, or would I think that he did
Who would pay for things done to me by him.


By Jan M. Smith

The tears on my face feel like blood from my soul
They come when I think and are warm as they fall
Coursing down my heart and causing a pain
As I remember what I never knew once again

They say you can never change the past
But your yesterday is made of broken glass
If you lived a past that was never yours
And was a hidden deception so he could endure.

The tears are shed for the ache and the pain
The tears are shed for the blood that stains
Your memory of life, some good and some bad
But regardless, now it is all too sad

Your attempts at life have left you a bitter soul
Hiding your heart in a wrapped box that is so cold
But never understanding why it was that way
Because that is not what he had to say

And now you wonder, as wise women do
Didn’t you really know; feel, weren’t you really in tune?
Did you turn a blind eye thinking what was couldn’t be
All the while on the inside being taken to your knees.

So now the years have passed and many lies have been told
And the life in your hands, this one that you hold
Feels like nothing, feels like pain, poison and a joke
And you scream out “I am so stupid” as you choke

When you are the last to know, that one in the cold
And you are a trick pony until that grows old
You just feel like a fool, an idiot, a dolt
And this is one time you just wish that you weren’t

To start your life over with illness and age
To start your life over with fear and rage
Is daunting but you know that you will never believe
Of any love or anything that this person has to say

Your heart has been twisted and wrung and tossed
Your soul has been hollowed and spit on and lost
Your existence was useless for the future you prayed
And the blisters on your psyche are too many today

Start over, start over, start over you say?
Be sweethearts now, when I begged in those days
For a touch or a thought or a kiss from my mate
That never was coming and now is it too late?

I have started over so many times in my heart
There is no place to start, to put a new mark
For the other mark’s graves stand rotting inside
And those useless marks are reminders I can’t hide

I was used and I am used up
I was cheated on and I am old
I was scarred and I am ugly
And my tears are blood from my soul

Bleeding Soul

By Jan Martin Smith

I am bleeding in my soul
My heart is stained and tired, my heart is old
It does not matter if I trust my lover
It matters if I trust myself
To know the difference
Between hemlock and honey
My eyes too blinded by themselves
Eyes have always opened souls
But now their doors are closed
My arms are tingling
Are burning like cinders of coal
I know not how to stop the torture
As I am the author
And I slide down the wet leaves whose moisture
Are the tears from my heart that
Is really the blood of my life
And now that my life is close to done
I am looking at a life of regret and uncertainty
And I know that I have lived with a sickness
Much worse that has paralyzed my heart
In my soul for more years than I have left to live
I am bitter now, angry and scared
Why did my life turn this way?
How do I stop hating myself
For my weakness and my blind eyes
For the blood pouring from my soul


By Jan Martin Smith

Electricity sparking in my soul
Sending spikes of sorrow to my heart
Causing my skin to tingle and my mind to spin
Giving me questions with no answers in sight

Electricity as dark as a moonless night
Leaving an impression of pain and hopelessness
Like a sharp craftsman’s knife
Cutting out my heart

Electricity that dries up my tears
So that they silently rage at my soul
And try to form sounds
Only to be stuck in my throat

Electricity that will not go away
So that I can see daylight
With the strangest sensations
As I struggle to understand

How you can love someone
Who treats you so badly
And gives you

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


By Jan Martin Smith

Somedays I am just lost
I cannot find the edges of my life
My toes run out of the lines
My soul is in pain

Sometimes I feel better when I am lost
It is scary out in the bright of day
Because my life is so God awful
I never knew that I would end up this way

The price that I paid has been so high
To adhere to a vow that was taken
To believe in what no man could take asunder
How could I have been so deadly mistaken

My heart is splintered and broken
My love wasted on a barren soul
A soul that never should have spoken
Any vow before God, have become a spouse

Somedays my mind bleeds wide open
And longs for what I thought that he was
Humiliation and heartache are my constant companions
I no longer embrace happiness nor love.

Oh Where

By Jan Martin Smith

Oh where oh where has my little heart gone
Oh where oh where can it be?
I gave it to my husband, he stomped it to dust
Oh where and who cares, no not me.

I married a man who I did not love
I married someone sad and blue
He married me while wanting to fuck every-one
And by the 12th year he was the best fuckeroo

Oh where oh where has my little heart gone
Oh where oh where can it be?
I entrusted it to my husband, three times yes I did
He knew that he had me for life and he was free

When my dearly beloved began his infidel reign
He chose only my friends, tried and true
They lapped up his sugar, they betrayed me with smiles
And he became a pro pretzel fornicator in cars

Oh where oh where has my little brain gone
Oh where oh where can it be?
I blew out my mind after 1989
Believing lies, giving myself black eyes, falling to my knees

At the end of this life full of pain, sorrow and strife
I am tied to the man I love now so complete
He did win my love, he wore a face from above
But it was a wolf in sheep clothing with deceit

Oh where oh where has my little life gone
Oh where oh where can it be?
They cut off my boobies, he cut out my heart
And began a double life with a tart

So I live my life as a couple but I am alone
I do not know how to reconcile all the pain
He has cheated and lied and planned and connived
And I never even wanted to take his name

So oh where oh where will my little heart go
Oh where oh where will it be safe from pain and tears?
With a man who will put no one above me, will only love me?
Just like he said that he did for all of these years.