Wednesday, August 9, 2017


This day, this day right here.  This is the one, the lost day.  Things roll along and life goes on, but not in her heart and brain.  This day is ruled by memories, memories of great heartache and disbelief.  The kind that you shake your head always for the rest of your life and clench your fist until your nails make your palms bleed.  The kind that makes you go and scream as loud as you can.  The kind that you have buried deep in your brain for decades until it is like a virulent thing that has to come out or you will surely die.  The chains flung off the black, seeping, weeping dirty thing in the corner of your brain that has beat and throbbed for nigh on forever.  You have moved it around, you have dusted it without looking at it or in it.  You have refused to smell it.  You have pretended it was not there even as you sat on it crying over another misdeed.  Regardless of whether it was done to you or by you.  You sat there in deep grief when all of it rooted back to that box.  And then it happens, you must undo the bonds that have held you back for your whole life, maybe someone else would not allow you to grieve, yes that.  And so you are victimized.  But you look at him and say fuck you.  This is mine.  I am going to do this.  Maybe that happens, not saying anything, because you may just have tripped over it one time too many and screamed at it, you cannot break my toe another time.  I cannot allow it and you open it.  And you are flooded with a light and your senses are completely overwhelmed with it all.  The smells, the sounds, the love, the passion, the pain.  You are afraid you will just stand in one place, a rainbow of white light blowing you high into the air, you are as if on your way to the moon, flying high, seeing it all, in the best ways, the resolution crystal clear.  No, it never leaves, it was all there the entire time.  That was yours.  That was your future.  That was your love.  That was your lover.  That was who gave you your sense of self, who comforted you, who told you in no uncertain terms they were there, who came to you every night almost from the day you met, and held you and laughed with you, who asked you to marry him.  That person with those eyes and voice and heart.  The heart, what a heart.  And it stopped beating by his own hand and you are free falling through space, no purchase can you make.  None.  You are lost and looking forever.  He dropped you off, why you were going to hang out in a few hours, how could that happen?  Then all the revelations, it was preplanned to the nth degree... WHAT?  and it gets packed away, you cannot walk, breathe, or live.  You want to die too and do not and for the next 50 plus years you wait to die, you look for death.  You never really live again until you take the chains off that damn box.  You have not even been able to tell him you are angry with him.  He left you, like most of the ppl you loved in your life and you feel like that must be the way life is supposed to be.  Ppl will always leave you and hurt you and be untrue.  You are set up for a life of pain.  From that day forward, because you did not look in the box.  So THIS DAY once again, you remember him and you celebrate the good parts, of which there were many more.  No one knows why, just that it happened.  You could not go out and see what he needed or wanted when he was coming back to try to get you to come out before it happened.  You will never know.  Just he needs to know now, I love you, always.  I miss you, always, and I wish you were here.