By Jan Martin Smith
You used to bring me a flower, only for a minute. You used to find the best one, only for a minute. Now it is past the hour. You draw me pictures no more with six birds, with fingers that could bring me pleasure or pain, only for a minute. What used to be amore~ is now my armor as I stand in a battlefield flowing with blood tears, lain bare with pain, me stepping over all my bleeding bodies, so many of me deeply scored, destroyed, mouth gaped open, throat gagging, screams caught in my soul, skin afire, fight raging inside turning me inside out killing my heart; my tears do not cleanse me, only bring more uncertainty, more pain.
I have spent my entire life, loving a man-child, a man-monster, a man-liar, who was ever grasping for others, more, while having me chained to his wall. I have spent my life believing a vow-lie, a coward, a heart that was not true, while being chained inside my own mind. I am addicted.
I used to turn flips in his bed, for more than a minute. I used to be the best one, for more than a minute. But now the hour is past, and all the grimaces of pleasure that hit my stomach and breast cancer body pierce my soul, for the rest of my life. My armor is thick and cold and can never be taken down and my heart's blood fills my armor, I choke on my pain, I scream, I claw at you, as my skin melts. The fight is raging inside me, I am turned inside out, I cannot hear my heart, my eyes are full of anger and rage and unforgiveness and pain.
I have spent my entire life, loving a man-child, a man-monster, a man-liar, who was ever grasping for others, more, while having me chained to his wall. I have spent my life believing a vow-lie, a coward, a heart that was not true, while chained inside my own mind. I have been addicted
I used to hear your heartbeat and not want to cut it from your body, for a minute, I used to love your blue eyes; they had power, but no more. Your smell and body no longer draw me and make me tremble keeping me chained to your wall, your tongue is contaminated, you used it many hours. All those countless howls you took under your body while I cried in my soul, chained to your wall, now I have the key. Your cloudy eyes, your heartbeat far away, my armor that contains my anger so that you may live another day and that I may one day heal and see colors again.
I did spend my whole life loving a man-child, a man-monster, the best liar, who never had enough, and kept me chained to his wall, and I believed, believed a vow, it was a lie, he was a coward with no heart, who kept me chained inside my own mind. I was addicted. It was dark as night.