Never The Same

By Jan M. Smith May, 2010

I listen to you talk and look at your face
A young woman who is lost, alone in every place
Accusing and critical of most everything I say or do
It seems these days that I no longer know you.

Not long ago I was lost on the edge of insane
Things I learned pushed me hard I fell to the edge of my brain
Waves of pain and shock echoeing in my body day by day
I was too out of touch with the world to be afraid

But in that dark time of sorrow and woe
Riding in that ship filled with thorns, thrown to and fro
As I bled and I cried and I flailed in the air
I was not myself, I was lost, too much so to care.

Unless you have walked in those shoes you can not understand
What one person can do, how cruel is one man
And if you add to this evil mix the fact that I was not well
It was certainly a recipe written straight from hell.

You forget that you wished your family to all go away
You forget that you wanted to start afresh, have a new day
You forget that you envisioned someone else there nine months to prepare
And you pushed me away to have her, but she seemed to not care.

And if in these past two years you have forgotten the ones that came before
If you can disregard the times I held you and soothed you, picked you up off the floor
Sang you a song, kiss your golden hair, made your clothes, held your hand
If those years do not matter, then I will never understand.

No, I will never be the same, I have been changed, my free spirit lost
For believing in love and trust and then have this, it came with a cost
But this is my life and I am struggling and I cannot change what you scream to me now
There is no care for me in you, none, no how.