By Jan M. Smith, Arpil, 2010
Pausing in my mind, stumbling over the past
Visions of a life that I have never seen
Cause anxiety and pain to wash over me
And know that my life was just a bad dream.
I hunger for information and instead eat more food
Or I starve and die inside a cocoon
These great waves of emotions will not stop tearing me down
As I continue my free fall flailing like a clown
Sometimes I long to be the sinner, the bringer of pain
Licking my fingers, my lips, the thighs of my lovers in my game
Lying to my spouse with no conscious all for my gain
Snapping my fingers and whistling through life and my shame.
Until one day I get caught, decide I am sorry, oh woe is me
And then I decide that was not the best way to be
And I purge my soul through confession to my spouse
And start all over, cleansed, smiling, hustling about.
But what you leave, you immaculate liar and fool
In your desire to change and yourself redo
Is a destroyed human, your trusting wife
Who never knew and never deserved this life
You made a decision to swim in that pool of evil and shit
And when you were tired you climbed out turning away from that pit
But in the process you threw me into the deep end to flounder and drown
And then you stand here and wonder why I cannot just climb out?
I have to get over 38 years of being a fool, looking back at a life I never knew
Get over you telling women you loved them, taking them out in public on dates
I have to get over being sick and you not caring enough to stop before it was too late
And now I have to learn to love you in spite of all my hate.
You do not know what it feels like to be treated with so much disrespect
You do not know what it feels like to imagine me in the arms of your best friend
You do not know what it feels like to know that our friends knew
You do not know what it feels like to know that your wife has lied to you
You should be hurt like I have, I should go out and do this to you
You should have to lay awake at night watch that movie anew
That will not go away, and the main star is your wife
Hear the sounds that you know that I will make during sex cut you like a knife
You should wonder if he has a bigger dick than you
You should wonder if he made me climax, once, twice, a slew
You should wonder if he made love to me two times each time we met
You should wonder if I would come home and sit on the couch beside you, still wet
You should wonder if anyone saw me climb into the back seat of his car
You should wonder if they saw me take off all my clothes and then saw us together, near and far
You should wonder if I performed sex with him that I did not with you
You should wonder if I told him I loved him and if I ran you down to him, boo hoo hoo
You should wonder if I told him that I only married you because I carried your child
You should wonder if I told him he was the best lover I had ever had.
You should wonder if when I told you I did not feel like it, I was just not in the mood
If it was because I had been with him all day, and not at work, we had a hotel room
Or you should wonder if I brought him to our home, to your bed, and spent the day.
You could remember seeing him all those times out and how he embraced you and shook your hand
And then we would hug and he would say, "Hey, I have not seen you in a long time, how have you been?"
And you could then know that he had seen me at least twice or three times that very week.
And, the anger would make you want to scream to the heavens, and his neck, break.
You could remember calling him to ask him a question and having long phone calls
Him telling you about his son and how many problems he was having with his marriage at home.
And you would be so compassionate with him and it would cause you to call him often to help.
Because you cared about him as your friend and now you realize he was seeing me for 13 years.
You could remember how it felt when you were diagnosed with prostate cancer, how scared you were
How it meant nothing when you had your 10 hour surgery with a 9 day hospital stay and he was at your side
You know now that he was with me within two weeks, neither of us cared about you at all.
Cancer? Big deal. Get over it. Out of sight, out of mind.
You should wonder if I made fun of you, ran you down, tried to justify why I am a whore.
Yes, you should. That is what you have done to me. Only part of it. There are five other women. For these things, I hate you.