If

By Jan M. Smith January, 2010

If my heart were made of glass
It would have shattered
And could have never been fixed.

If my heart were made of ice
It would be so frozen
One would never be able to get inside.

If my heart were planted with flowers
The weeds would have taken over
From the years of pain and neglect.

All I ever wanted in this life with you
Was to love you and find happiness
All I ever looked forward to was for you to return.

I had waited all the many years for that look
For that touch that meant you did finally see me
To take my breath away again, I needed it so much.

And now when you have that look and love for me, you do
You bring promises to me on a bloody pillow of torn dreams
And it is hard to lay my head and find rest with you there.

I have told you that your face is mine and mine only
No one should have seen your face in the throes of love save me
I am broken and wasted and fall backward screaming inside, cut

You were it for me. Just you. You were it for me. You.
Your smell, Your Taste, Your Eyes, You in the night.
And now I am lost in the visions of being nothing special at all.

When one says the words "I Do" they lay in the bed God gave
They learn of love, grow together, learn the touch that is just theirs
No other knows it but you two and it changes as you age and grow together

I am the only one who grew in that way, and grew only to you
Now I feel grown to them, to the others as well, as you bring them to me
You grew with others, their touch, their way, not just with me.

I have to take this out of my head in order to have my love with you now
You took what was sanctified and made it unclean and it has to be made whole again
They were not clean they were lost souls, slaves to the flesh, just like you.

I am so damn broken.