Friday, February 5, 2010

The Choke

By Jan

I feel that old familiar feeling, it is coming again, I hear that smell in my brain when he said "think of all  7" and I knew there were only 6.  When I saw that movie, the one he never saw and when he lied to me that he never saw it and found no pleasure the step was taken backward, and then there were 7, I heard it and my brain smelled it.

There was a time when he would have gotten angry just as he did, screaming at me over nothing, losing control and spewing forth a rant, even saying then perhaps I needed to think on how to do this different, inferring we should be apart, but when I said pack and go then, he could turn it on me as the bad guy.  He is still the master, in his mind.  I am now his better.  I see him clearly.

Changes are coming and the truth is going to be told over the next months and this man of mine will lose himself, and he knows this.  This man of mine has many, many times told the truth accidentially and then said he never said what he said or that I am making it into something it was not.  Oh, there were times when he could do that, oh yes he could and confuse me.  But no more.  I HEAR EVERY WORD HE SAYS.  The problem is that he does not hear them.  He says them unconciously, without meaning to.  His cover up attempts are pathetic.  They make me ache and hurt.

Now, my issue is do I wait this out, stand by him and find all this out, and decide?  But what else can I do now.  I have to know, though, that I may not be here in the end.  I have to be prepared that we may not survive this, as I am sure he knows this himself.  He is upset as I have never seen him.  Yes, he did stop his antidepressant, and yes that is contributing to his condition, but it is more than that.  There will be a lie detector before this is all said and done.  He will have to do this.  I will never rebuild my trust without it.  I was glad when my new doctor said they have them there and that it is necessary for some to have it done to restore trust.  It will be for me.  I will never get there any other way.  But, first, there must be him getting inside this new program and then we will work towards that.

But, for now, I feel the choke.  And, I want to cry until it kills me.  He is in relapse.  He is apt to do anything.  Yes, he is.  And, I cannot stop him.  But, it will absolutely kill me.

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