Torn

January 11, 2011

As you recover and learn why you lived that life
As you discover what love really is
I have the heartache to fear you never loved me
And I am ripped, frayed and I cry.

It helps to know you never loved the hollow times
That you were lost in a fog following rumors of whores
But I was a real person, your wife, the mother of life
And my heart is bleeding and torn all to hell.

I find solid ground knowing I could do nothing to stop you
You were looking for a porno-like slut or whore
I could never have filled that need inside you
You were listening to other men to find your score.

But I am broken because it seems I was not considered
It makes me hurt in my stomach, my heart, my core
You spit in my face and told me you loved her
While you held me down on our kitchen floor

And now you are "learning" what love is about
While I have loved you all of my life
I feel so empty, so tired and stupid
And so weary, in my back I feel a knife.

Why did you let her come to those ballgames?
Why did you allow her to hurt me time and again?
Why didn't you tell her to not come where I was?
Why weren't you more of a man?

Did it make you feel special because she pursued you?
A woman who was so immoral and barren she had no soul
How could you feel good allowing this person to hurt me?
How and why, tell me, because I want to know?

This up and this down, it kills me
If I have cancer again, I will not survive
You cannot give me back my peace of mind
You cannot now keep me alive.

You could have told her to go away when you were with her
You could have set some boundaries and saved me that pain
Instead of lying and saying you were not seeing her
And if not then, you saw her over and over again

And to her, you were just a spare tire
She called on you when she was bored or alone
And you went and betrayed me and your ownself
Until her nail polish dried and she was ready to move on

And all the others were visits to sex land
To try to find solace or relief or a salve for your mind
That only made you worse and sent you further
And made you cocky, stupid and blind.

You had to get caught to stop what you were doing
And you did not love that ugly dog, that car whore
You never missed her one second when you walked away
She was just easy to control, as ugly girls usually are