DEFENSIVE BULLSHIT

She can blog all she wants, she can let anyone she wants have it but it does not change anything.  She can get busy and move around, she can run to and fro and it is always the same.  Nothing can change what happened.

How does she really move on.  She knows how she did it before.  She knows what it took. She knew how to change the movie.  In her mind, in the wall in her brain, there was a movie.  Regardless of whether it was black and white or technicolor.  It could turn on if she passed a street or heard a sound.  She taught herself to be strong to change the movie, to not allow it to change her.  She focused on her life at hand, on becoming a better wife, on learning to earn a living rather than raising her children and staying at home.  She could not depend on her husband to take care of them any longer.  He had shown that something in him had changed.  She had to as well.  So, she did.

But now, she is undone.  She did all that she knew to do.  She sat in counselors offices, she took their advice.  They told her "He is right to want to play ball and all that he does, you are wrong.  You need to find something for you.  You need to go out with your friends and dance if he will not go."  So, she had, but that was a big problem.  Not that she went out, but that he became so very self centered and that they endorsed it.  The professionals.  They told him that he was right, that it was okay to spend all weekends on the ball field, they forgot that your children are only small one time.  And if she did as he did, there can only be one Rock Star in a family, someone has to raise the kids.  They will only remember vacations and picnics and going to the pool once.  Why would he think that it was ok to play ball ALLLLL weekend long, weekend after weekend and through the week as well, preening on the field while other women blushed and said, "oh, you have the best legs of any person in the whoooole league."  In front of his wife and kids.  Ego.

So, as time goes by, and she gets less and less from him, and he takes more and more.  He is a moron.  He does not see what he has, and he does not WANT what he has.  His gold.  His children and his wife who  waits for him to wake the fuck up.  The reel may begin to spin if she smells a smell or if a season of year comes around,  It may start up if someone says a name, or if she remembers a time.  She has already learned this exercise.  She is a pro and as a pro, she knows when something is just not working.  So, when someone says to her now, "You have to move on, you have to blah blah blah," she wants to either punch them, cry for them, run from them or walk away.  They have NO idea what she has been through or done.

He is undone.  He wants it all now.  He is older and he, finally, is wise.  When she says to him "you did not love me when you married me" he does not stop her or say "yes I did" so it is true, so he should just stab her in the heart and be done with it.  For that, she almost hates him.  She is unsure how love and hate can live in the same heart, but she knows that it can.

He left her bed for years and now she is supposed to be patient while he works out his guilt, the guilt that he took on from having sex with all those women, those women who were, laughingly, her friends.  Old homely Patti, silly Millie, immoral Vapid Vivian, mousy Tanya, selfish Tanya2, Juicy J, the fourth street whore and the ones who stood in the doorway, who took phone calls, made out with him and chickened out, ole Christine Gray, Sheila Temple and God knows who else.  All of them.  She cannot even remember all of them now.

Today, for her, is a very bad day.  Today, she hates him.  Today, she remembers it all, all too clearly.  She hopes that when she wakes up tomorrow, she will feel better.  That she will be able to go to Pilot Mtn. without wincing because he took Vapid Vivian to a cabin there and homely Patti to screw in the biking parking lots there, he screwed her in every lot in the state.  That she can drive by Miller park or any of the other city parks and not be sick to her stomach remembering that he met Silly Millie there to sit in the car and talk sex shit until Silly paid for a hotel room to seal the deal.  Millie, her coworker, high school classmate and so forth.  That maybe one day she can ride to the side of town where her therapist's office is again, because she had to stop going as she had to go by Reynolda Gardens, a special place she used to go with him before they married and he took Vapid Immoral Vivian and Homely Patti there for a rendezvous.  He has no respect for her.  He met Homely there after knowing how much it hurt her that he took Vapid there years before.  He has had no feelings for her pain at all.  Just for himself.  He has been a pig.  Or he has intended to hurt.  Which is it.

So how does she stop the movie.  How does she make it go away.  When it was a movie of he and one, she learned, but now the cast is so large and it does not merely cover a summer but rather thirty years.  And, the many ways and means of pain he inflicted onto her are unbelievable.  For this, she hates him.

He said to her tonight, "When you say that to me, you make me be defensive."  Really, you have a defense to this tawdry life?  You feel like any human being in this planet could defend this?  No, fuck you.  That was the wrong thing to say.  Let me hand you a shovel.